Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
