I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
