Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
