Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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