So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
