mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize