Moan for me like Helen Keller
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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