Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
me + whiskey = a bad person
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Shame is for Republicans.
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