I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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