I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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