If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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