Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
