im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
