From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
