I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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