ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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