im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
