Just cropdusted the office
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
