he shaved USA in his pubs
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
