I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
