My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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