when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize