My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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