got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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