his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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