3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
