respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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