just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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