Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize