so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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