Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
