She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
