were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize