Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
