Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
