i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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