it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
