I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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