my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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