My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
