I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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