what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
