i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
