bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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