Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
