I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
