I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
