My Higher Power is John Stamos
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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