were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
