I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize