Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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