Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
