Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
