If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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