just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
