I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
