I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
