singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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