Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
